LISA McREE, Host: In today's edition of Love, Sex, Etc., modern marriage is more complicated than ever. But the key to making it work still lies in some very basic truths. That is according to Doctors Evelyn and Paul Moschetta, who are the marriage counseling team that answers the question, Can this marriage be saved? for "Ladies Home Journal" each and every month. Now they've put their collective wisdom into a book that's called "
The Marriage Spirit,"
and they join us this morning. Nice to meet the both of you.
EVELYN MOSCHETTA, DSW, Marriage Counselor: Oh, you too.
LISA McREE: What is the marriage spirit?
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Ah, the marriage spirit is a current of unselfish love that flows through every strong and healthy marriage. And the key word is unselfish, because that's the part of us that comes from something higher in us, and not from our everyday egos.
LISA McREE: Yes, you talk a lot in the book about our personal egos.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Right.
PAUL MOSCHETTA, DSW, Marriage Counselor: Yes.
LISA McREE: It's all about self-satisfaction.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Right.
Dr. PAUL MOSCHETTA: See, we know that every strong and healthy marriage thrives on unselfish love, but it's the kind of love that only comes from the best part of us. So we've got to get our ego out of the way, because my ego is only concerned with one thing, me, me, me.
LISA McREE: But how do you do that? Because you need your ego so much for your day-to-day life out in the world. How do you separate that from your -- at home, your one relationship that matters?
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Yes. Well, in the book we talk about a skill called witnessing, and that's the ability to kind of step outside yourself and see that part of you that likes to win, to be in control, that has to be right, that blames, that holds on to angers and hurts...
LISA McREE: Give me an example of what witnessing a reaction is -- might -- you know, my husband, I come home from work, and I've wanted him to take out the trash, and it's not -- and I'm immediately, you know, I mean, how mean...
Dr. PAUL MOSCHETTA: Well, I'll give you a good example.
LISA McREE:... because he always takes out the trash. But what is it...
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Right, OK.
LISA McREE:... how do you witness that emotion you're feeling?
Dr. PAUL MOSCHETTA: Evelyn and I have two offices and a home in a third place, so we're constantly traveling around. So we get to one office, and it was late in the day, and Evelyn dropped her bags right in the bedroom right in front of the bathroom door, left, and turned out all the lights. Later that night, I come groping in to make my way to the bathroom, and almost do a swan dive into the toilet bowl. So I get up, swearing, and saying, "When I get her, I'm going to let her have it. She always does this." And suddenly, I see myself feeling very self-righteous, wanting to get the upper hand, wanting to let her know that she was wrong, wanting to blame. And as soon as I see myself doing that, it passes.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Right.
LISA McREE: So you're saying, by acknowledging it, you can let go of it, acknowledge, let go.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Yes! To see it, to not be afraid of seeing when you've done something that's not in the best (crosstalk)
Dr. PAUL MOSCHETTA: Had Evelyn come through the door when I was in the middle of my anger, I would have blasted her. She would have gotten her -- a distance would have opened up.
LISA McREE: But you understand, because you almost ended up in the toilet bowl, right?
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Yes!
LISA McREE: It's OK to be angry sometimes.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Oh, yes, yes! Anger is fine. Anger is not the problem.
Dr. PAUL MOSCHETTA: It's what we do with it.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: The problem is what we do with the anger.
LISA McREE: And you had an interesting thing in your book where you talked about meditating, about breathing, about closing your eyes and just thinking about the breath going in and out. And if you can step outside from yourself and just sort of watch yourself breathe, that helps you step outside yourself and watch yourself react to things.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Yes, yes, yes!
LISA McREE: Most importantly, I thought, in your book, what I really enjoyed, was that -- the part where you talked about marriage, your marriage, being a sacred place. People in it -- and I called my husband last night and said, "Our marriage is a sacred place," and he thought I was, like, nuts. But, you know, what does that mean?
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: But it is. It means that you don't dump all your stress, your anger, your hostility into this...
LISA McREE: Keep it clean.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA:... place.
LISA McREE: Thanks so much.
Content and programming copyright
American Broadcasting Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.
EVELYN MOSCHETTA, DSW, Marriage Counselor: Oh, you too.
LISA McREE: What is the marriage spirit?
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Ah, the marriage spirit is a current of unselfish love that flows through every strong and healthy marriage. And the key word is unselfish, because that's the part of us that comes from something higher in us, and not from our everyday egos.
LISA McREE: Yes, you talk a lot in the book about our personal egos.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Right.
PAUL MOSCHETTA, DSW, Marriage Counselor: Yes.
LISA McREE: It's all about self-satisfaction.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Right.
Dr. PAUL MOSCHETTA: See, we know that every strong and healthy marriage thrives on unselfish love, but it's the kind of love that only comes from the best part of us. So we've got to get our ego out of the way, because my ego is only concerned with one thing, me, me, me.
LISA McREE: But how do you do that? Because you need your ego so much for your day-to-day life out in the world. How do you separate that from your -- at home, your one relationship that matters?
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Yes. Well, in the book we talk about a skill called witnessing, and that's the ability to kind of step outside yourself and see that part of you that likes to win, to be in control, that has to be right, that blames, that holds on to angers and hurts...
LISA McREE: Give me an example of what witnessing a reaction is -- might -- you know, my husband, I come home from work, and I've wanted him to take out the trash, and it's not -- and I'm immediately, you know, I mean, how mean...
Dr. PAUL MOSCHETTA: Well, I'll give you a good example.
LISA McREE:... because he always takes out the trash. But what is it...
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Right, OK.
LISA McREE:... how do you witness that emotion you're feeling?
Dr. PAUL MOSCHETTA: Evelyn and I have two offices and a home in a third place, so we're constantly traveling around. So we get to one office, and it was late in the day, and Evelyn dropped her bags right in the bedroom right in front of the bathroom door, left, and turned out all the lights. Later that night, I come groping in to make my way to the bathroom, and almost do a swan dive into the toilet bowl. So I get up, swearing, and saying, "When I get her, I'm going to let her have it. She always does this." And suddenly, I see myself feeling very self-righteous, wanting to get the upper hand, wanting to let her know that she was wrong, wanting to blame. And as soon as I see myself doing that, it passes.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Right.
LISA McREE: So you're saying, by acknowledging it, you can let go of it, acknowledge, let go.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Yes! To see it, to not be afraid of seeing when you've done something that's not in the best (crosstalk)
Dr. PAUL MOSCHETTA: Had Evelyn come through the door when I was in the middle of my anger, I would have blasted her. She would have gotten her -- a distance would have opened up.
LISA McREE: But you understand, because you almost ended up in the toilet bowl, right?
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Yes!
LISA McREE: It's OK to be angry sometimes.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Oh, yes, yes! Anger is fine. Anger is not the problem.
Dr. PAUL MOSCHETTA: It's what we do with it.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: The problem is what we do with the anger.
LISA McREE: And you had an interesting thing in your book where you talked about meditating, about breathing, about closing your eyes and just thinking about the breath going in and out. And if you can step outside from yourself and just sort of watch yourself breathe, that helps you step outside yourself and watch yourself react to things.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: Yes, yes, yes!
LISA McREE: Most importantly, I thought, in your book, what I really enjoyed, was that -- the part where you talked about marriage, your marriage, being a sacred place. People in it -- and I called my husband last night and said, "Our marriage is a sacred place," and he thought I was, like, nuts. But, you know, what does that mean?
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA: But it is. It means that you don't dump all your stress, your anger, your hostility into this...
LISA McREE: Keep it clean.
Dr. EVELYN MOSCHETTA:... place.
LISA McREE: Thanks so much.
Content and programming copyright
American Broadcasting Companies, Inc. All rights reserved.