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Values To Love By Part Ii

By Drs. Evelyn and Paul Moschetta

Adopting Harmony as a value means you care about having emotional order inside yourself and between you and your partner. Inner order comes as we learn to observe more carefully the thoughts and feelings passing through us, moment by moment. This kind of "inner watching", being more mindful, more consciously aware of old troublesome thought patterns and the unsettling emotions that go with them, can curtail their ability to completely sabotage your reactions to situations and events. You become less defensive and less attack minded, thereby reducing the potential number of fights in your relationship. Your self-centered ego, on the other hand, is addicted to short-term gratification and seeks happiness in all the wrong places. It can never give you psychological and emotional order. Instead, it serves up a steady diet of fear, anger, guilt and envy. All emotions guaranteed to create inner insecurity and friction between you and your partner.

Embracing Truth as personal integrity, and Harmony as psychological order, will help you break free of a "me first" survival mentality.
A final big step away from this love killing mindset comes with valuing Goodness. Goodness increases your capacity for empathy, commitment and compassion. Empathy helps you be less critical and judgemental. It gives you a benevolent perception which makes it possible to see and feel another's hurt and pain beyond their angry words or wrongful deeds. Commitment, as a part of Goodness, means being able to invest yourself in life outside yourself. Your personal boundaries widen enabling you to contribute to the well-being of another without feelings of sacrifice or obligation. Finally, the element of compassion in Goodness makes you more likely to forgive and move on, rather than holding on to the slings and arrows that inevitably find their way into most relationships.

When Truth, Harmony and Goodness guide your actions, and you are no longer a locked inside the bubble of a selfish, self-centered survival mentality, you'll be better able to hold up your end of a truly loving passionate relationship. You'll do this by:

  • Saying I love you more often

  • Offering more hugs and kisses outside the bedroom

  • Being unselfishly passionate inside the bedroom

  • Praising and complimenting one another more frequently

  • Not competing with one another

  • Listening attentively so each of you feel seen and heard

  • Deliberately tuning into each other's moods and feelings.

  • Being a good sounding board, not analyzing, forming quick opinions or rushing in with solutions

  • Being flexible, cooperative and willing to compromise

  • Encouraging the others independence

  • Not needing to be right or in control

  • Supporting one another's wanting to grow

  • Not comparing each other to anyone else

  • Dropping the blame game to be more forgiving

  • Making one another a top priority by making plans and decisions together

  • Regularly expressing affection and high esteem for one another

  • Being good to one another

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